Guilt.

I've often thought about the feeling of guilt.  Where does it come from?  Is it something that everyone traces back to their Mother some day?  It has been used in conjunction with Catholicism, being Irish, or even Midwestern.  All of these would describe me (although it's less amazing when you find out that I wouldn't have written them down if they didn't).  Last night I was watching the Gopher basketball game and they were upset by Virginia.  I couldn't help but feel somehow responsible..  Maybe if I watched a little more closely or cheered a little bit harder or even said a prayer...

As a side note I'd like to point out that I don't believe in prayer when it comes to sports.  The only exception is player injuries.  I feel like God has more important things to look over something that ultimately has very little real meaning..

Getting back to my point:

It's a strange feeling when I feel guilty for something that I know I have no control over.  I think that part of my guilt comes from being a Minnesota sports fan and the helplessness that comes along with that.  But I just feel like there is something I could be doing to help.  Now that I'm a teacher (and I use that term loosely) I feel guilty when a student does poorly on a test, like it's my fault..  Conversely though I'm proud of the student who does well and I feel it reflects very well on the good student and not at all on his teacher..

Does that make any sense?  The good students do well because they work hard, study, and come prepared while the poor students have a poser for a teacher.  Looking at that last sentence it sounds absurd and I hope it is.  I know somewhere in my rational brain that a few of these kids are going to have to learn how to take care of themselves and take responsibility for their education but I feel like I can some how help with that but have been unable to get through to them.

I have 8 students out of 30 that are currently failing my class.  4 of them should have absolutely no trouble earning a passing grade, a couple are on the fence and  I'd say 2 are in a deep hole.  I feel guilty but I don't want to start calling parents to tell them that their child is "in danger of failing." I'd almost rather deal with an angry parent after the semester and say that your child failed because he didn't do anything to stop it.

My class is different than others only because I don't want to treat high schoolers as high schoolers.  I want them to be responsible and I will give them the grade they deserve.  I don't take attendance, mark people tardy, or as of very recently accept late work.  Mr. Turek's motto that the world is run by those who show up is something I want to ring true in my class.  Especially since my class is Civics and they should probably learn that it's important to show up and take a stand on issues we care about.  Some kids seem to need a drill sergeant for a teacher and I don't think that is something I can become.  I feel like a toughy when I don't go all over the world to get on a kid's case to make sure he passes his class.  That should be his job.

But I feel guilty about it afterwards..

Happiness

A few weeks ago I gave up my Saturday morning to administer the SAT.  It's a fairly simple job, hand out the materials, read the instructions, make sure they don't cheat, then collect the materials.  That leaves a lot of time sitting in the back of the class room.  So as I was doing this I picked up a book that I felt like I should have been forced to read at some point in my high school career but some how I must have slipped through the cracks.  It was Into the Wild, by Jon Krakauer. I didn't finish the whole book that morning but since then I've been picking it up now and then and reading a chapter or two.  It's broken up nicely where the chapters don't necessarily depend on one another so it is very easy to read it over a long period of time.  Anyway the other night I ran across this passage about happiness.  I believe it's actually a quote from Tolstoy's Family Happiness but I'm not certain of this and too lazy to check.  Anyway the passage really spoke to me because it put into words a definition of happiness that I feel like I've been wrestling with for a long time so I wanted to share this will all (4) of my readers out there.

     I have lived through much, and now I think I have found what is needed for happiness.  A quiet        secluded life in the country, with the possibility of being useful to people to whom it is easy to do good, and who are not accustomed to have it done to them; then work which one hopes may be of some use; then rest, nature, books, music, love for one's neighbor - such is my idea of happiness.  And then, on top of all that, you for a mate, and children, perhaps - what more can the heart of a man desire?


None of that is new or revolutionary to me but I guess I just never heard it all put together in such a way before.  If I could, by the grace of God, manage to have a life like the one Tolstoy describes, I can't imagine it being anything but bliss.

The thing that I find most important at this stage in my life is the part about work, "which one hopes may be of some use;" I believe I have found very meaningful work here at St. Benedict's and I'm lucky because as a volunteer here the work I do is rarely unnoticed and it is hardly a thankless job.  But sadly that isn't true for all teachers out there.  But going further, this passage doesn't say anything about having money to support a family or being able to know exactly where your next meal is coming from and precisely when your check will be deposited into your checking account.  I just want to be able to find more meaningful work after all this.  That's the first part of Tolstoy's little checklist I'm going to work on.

Why not try for a little dialog?  How do you define Happiness?